Needless to say, I hope my car is repairable. I have to magically come up with 1000 dollars for my deductible, which is freaking me out. I'm lucky to be here, I know this. Realizing your mortality is a scary experience. You never expect that it would happen to you; you only hear about it in the news from people who have experienced it. The realization that I was thisclose to not coming home to my kids is eating at me. I have always made sure I came home to my family. ALWAYS... and now because some idiot who obviously should not be driving, there was a chance my kids would never see me again.
A friend that I have not seen in a few years (ok like over a decade) came to my rescue with her husband. We still went and saw the movie and had lunch. During the movie, (spoiler alert, although if you've read the book you will know what I'm talking about), they show the scene where Lily Potter is saying goodbye to Harry, just before Lord Voldemort comes to kill her. She tells him that she loves him soo much and that she will always be with him. I cried like a baby at that part, I will not lie. Had I hit either the tree or the semi, I wouldn't have had a chance to see my kids again. No one can explain how that feels; you have to experience it for yourself. I kept it together while I was out, I think the shock was still in effect. However, after she dropped me off, I LOST IT. I walked into my house and started to cry, and could not stop. Dave managed to calm me down, but it still comes back to me. Everyone can tell me that it will be fine, and that I will get past this. Yes, things will be fine, and one day I will be able to get over the feeling that I could've been living as a ghost beside my children, rather than actually living with them. But it's still there right now. I'm not sure how I will get past this, I really don't know.
I'm not a religious person, but I know that I'm here for a reason. What that is, I don't know. I would like to think that it was for my children and my fiancee. Please just bear with me right now; the demons that I have had a stalemate with have decided to bite and I have to fight them off. People can tell me that God protected me from serious damage, but obviously he didn't have enough foresight to keep that other car away from me. You can tell me that it was Satan or the Devil, and honestly I will probably laugh. It was not Satan, it was an idiot who didn't care that I was in the lane next to them. People make their own choices, no one decides for them what they will do.
If you're angry about what I wrote above, then I do apologize. I have no wish to offend anyone, those are my opinions on the subject. I believe everyone makes their choices, rather than a higher power deciding for you.
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| Picture by Carlos Cabrera |
