Jane Austen, Oh How I Adore Thee... (Except For Northanger Abbey)

I've been on a Jane Austen kick lately. I've read most of her works, (Northanger Abbey is one I just cannot get into) and watching versions of her novels in movies. I have two versions of Pride and Prejudice. (Oh Matthew MacFayeden)

How could you say no to him?

*Sigh*

I love her style of writing, along with the witty conversation that goes into the story. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy are my all time favorite literary couple, with the former being my favorite heroine. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and does not follow the standards of women for that time period. Anyone who has read Pride and Prejudice knows that the scene where Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy have their confrontation regarding his marriage proposal to her can feel the tension between the two. "Did you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?", he tells her angrily. After a few words, she responds with the classic retort, "You are mistaken Mr. Darcy. The mode of your declaration merely spared me the concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner." As a society, we do not speak like that anymore; we would probably tell the other to go f*ck themselves and have a nice day. I love the way you can tell someone to basically go eff themselves without actually saying it. Don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit that I have no problem telling others to f*ck themselves if need be. However it is more fun to do it Jane's way and confuse them even more.

I don't know why I can't read Northanger Abbey. I have tried for years and years, but I can never get into it. I know it was published after her death, and in parts it seems rushed and unfinished. Persuasion, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Pride and Prejudice all have a certain polish to them. (Oh and Mansfield Park has it too.) Catherine Morland does not have the quickness of Elizabeth Bennett, nor does she have the sense of Anne Elliot. I know it is believed that she wrote this satirical gothic-esque romance because those were coming into prominence when she wrote it. Perhaps it's not my place to understand why she wrote it, and maybe one day I'll be able to sit down and read it.

Jane right now is keeping me somewhat sane. It's giving me the escape I need from my hectic life that I desperately need. However, I am sensing a desire to return to A Song of Ice and Fire series. (Those who do not know, it is the series that Game of Thrones on HBO is based off of. YOU SHOULD READ IT.) George R.R. Martin has written a fantastic series that rivals Tolkien in my heart. However, George is a tad more violent, and his characters have to deal with things that we would never dream of. (The "Red Wedding" is one that still haunts me when I hear it mentioned.) I can't stop reading it though.


Thank you Jane for keeping me from losing my mind. And to ASOIAF, thanks for giving me a place to imagine what I could do to stupid people if I lived in Westeros.

Just keep swimming...

I keep telling myself this lately.. "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming..." Some days it helps get me through. Other days I feel like a great white wants to take me to a "Fish Are Friends Not Food" meeting and then chase me through old WWII subs that have sank. (Yes this is a Finding Nemo reference.) I have never felt so down as I have lately.

I started working out with my best friend Michele, and it helps with my morale. I hate sweating, but I want to look better for myself. I feel like I'm an outsider, watching everyone's lives go by. We bought a car, but it's not running right and we don't have the money for the part we need. I don't like asking for help, I really don't. I don't want people to think I'm weak and incapable of handling my life and the problems that come up. This month has been hard and honestly I'm not dealing well with it. I asked for help in the past when I was single and all I got was crap for it. I was raising my kids on my own without any help from their "father" and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I made mistakes, I know that. I learned from them and have done my hardest to not repeat them. It just feels like the harder I try to stay above water, the faster I sink. I don't know how long I can hide this from my kids, or from anyone else for that matter. I'm too stubborn to let myself completely fail, but right now I want to throw my hands up and surrender.

I just want to be happy and not worry about things like food, or money to buy my kids' shoes if they need them. I also just want to have a car that doesn't give me problems or is a magnet for idiots on the road. (I swear, there must be some sort of sign on me that says "hit me".) I see other people live their lives with no worries and I can't help but ask what they are doing that I'm not? I had a job, however it drove me to have several nervous breakdowns and I had to leave. I have to be around for my kids so they have someone to pick them up and take them to school. My son doesn't do well in day care because of his autism and most places won't take him because of it. My daughter needs extra attention at home because of her school work (which is another story). I feel like I can't catch a break and that's really all I want.

I know there are some out there that say God is looking out for me, blah blah blah...
A) I don't believe that, so please stop telling me that.

With all the crap going on in the world, I don't think "God" is looking out for anyone right now. Bankers on Wall St. have screwed us I don't know how many times, and they still get their ungodly bonuses for doing nothing. I am completely hireable and can do many things but I've been told that I'm overqualified and they can't hire me. I did not realize being intelligent would hinder my getting a job.

Yes I'm angry, hurt, and frustrated. I am allowed to be.

Light and Dark - Photshopped by myself; stock used from deviantart.com