It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

I apologize for the lack of posts. Certain things you can't just get over quickly. My mother's death still gets me at times. It is getting easier, but it still hurts.

I allowed myself to grieve while trying to go on with my life. While some may feel that I should just grieve and move on, it was something I really had no choice in. I had to maintain some sort of composure for my children. I allowed myself to fall apart when they couldn't see, but I knew they could tell mommy wasn't ok. They still tell me that they miss her, and I tell them that Grandma would want them to be happy. It takes their mind off it and they continue to try to drive me to the insane asylum. (I could use the vacation though.)

We have a new dog. We named him Beowulf after the Norse hero who slayed Grendel, Grendel's mother, and the dragon. (Yes, it probably makes me a nerd, but honestly I could care less.) He is teething and at times I think I am going to lose my mind. A few plants have been sacrificed to his teeth, but I know it won't be forever.

School has started back up again for me, which means there is more insanity. I had to re-take an algebra class. Hopefully I will do better this time. I'm also taking English History (YAY) and Adobe Flash. I have a new respect for animation artists. It is time consuming and sometimes a pain in the ass. But now I will have another skill to attach to my belt. My confidence has been lacking, only because I am unsure of myself. I keep telling myself that it's not ok to do this to myself, but I still do. A therapist I saw a few years back told me that I was the epitome of my own worst enemy. I am a perfectionist, and honestly I am rarely happy with what I do. It's something I deal with, which is probably one of the reasons that I have REALLY bad insomnia.

Today, I decided to stop listening to that nagging voice in my mind. She's not happy, but I can't beat myself up any more. I'm not perfect, and I probably never will be. But I can't keep trying to be something I'm not. It's not working for me obviously, and I have to just stop. I have to keep whatever sanity I have left, at least for the next few years.... ;)