Fear

Yesterday, I was going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows PT2 with a friend of mine. As I was driving, another car was trying to get over into my lane, and I tried to avoid it. In avoiding this other car, I lost control of my car and went over 4 lanes of the freeway and hit a chain link fence. Thankfully my car was a Ford, and there was no damage really to me. I'm sore from the jarring stop, but no cuts or anything like that. CHP said it was not my fault, as there were witnesses to tell him what happened. I managed to avoid a semi and a tree. According to the CHP officer, had I hit either of those, I'd be dead....

Needless to say, I hope my car is repairable. I have to magically come up with 1000 dollars for my deductible, which is freaking me out. I'm lucky to be here, I know this. Realizing your mortality is a scary experience. You never expect that it would happen to you; you only hear about it in the news from people who have experienced it. The realization that I was thisclose to not coming home to my kids is eating at me. I have always made sure I came home to my family. ALWAYS... and now because some idiot who obviously should not be driving, there was a chance my kids would never see me again.

A friend that I have not seen in a few years (ok like over a decade) came to my rescue with her husband. We still went and saw the movie and had lunch. During the movie, (spoiler alert, although if you've read the book you will know what I'm talking about), they show the scene where Lily Potter is saying goodbye to Harry, just before Lord Voldemort comes to kill her. She tells him that she loves him soo much and that she will always be with him. I cried like a baby at that part, I will not lie. Had I hit either the tree or the semi, I wouldn't have had a chance to see my kids again. No one can explain how that feels; you have to experience it for yourself. I kept it together while I was out, I think the shock was still in effect. However, after she dropped me off, I LOST IT. I walked into my house and started to cry, and could not stop. Dave managed to calm me down, but it still comes back to me. Everyone can tell me that it will be fine, and that I will get past this. Yes, things will be fine, and one day I will be able to get over the feeling that I could've been living as a ghost beside my children, rather than actually living with them. But it's still there right now. I'm not sure how I will get past this, I really don't know.

I'm not a religious person, but I know that I'm here for a reason. What that is, I don't know. I would like to think that it was for my children and my fiancee. Please just bear with me right now; the demons that I have had a stalemate with have decided to bite and I have to fight them off. People can tell me that God protected me from serious damage, but obviously he didn't have enough foresight to keep that other car away from me. You can tell me that it was Satan or the Devil, and honestly I will probably laugh. It was not Satan, it was an idiot who didn't care that I was in the lane next to them. People make their own choices, no one decides for them what they will do.

If you're angry about what I wrote above, then I do apologize. I have no wish to offend anyone, those are my opinions on the subject. I believe everyone makes their choices, rather than a higher power deciding for you.

Picture by Carlos Cabrera

Photography From Last Semester

I took a photography class over the fall semester, which was interesting. I bought a new camera, which I LOVE! Here are some of my shots...

Here are some black and whites I did...

Photography is a hobby, along with digital manipulation of photos. I also took a drawing class, but sadly I do not have any digital copies of my work.

Now I should be doing my homework, but I would rather avoid it. LOL So I'm watching South Park. :)



Merry Christmas and New Beginnings

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

With the coming new year, let's all try to focus on the positive. This may sound strange from me, as sarcasm and cynicism run through my veins. I'm going to try it. Perhaps it will work, one can hope. I wish everyone well, and hope that the coming year brings you love and happiness..

**currently enjoying the bomb ass TV my family received for christmas... Now we can properly watch movies and play God of War.. (and COD:Black Ops)

Taking a Break From the Kids...

Ok.. I am nightowl by nature. I can't help it. I wake up this morning, (thankful school is out) and my kids gravitate towards me like I was holding fresh brownies in my hand. I like to wake up and have my house quiet. Since Dylan is out of school, that's not going to happen. They sit around me like they are blocking my escape. I love my personal space, and I know they are my kids. Sometimes, you just need that space to keep your sanity.

I know there are moms out there who are afraid to say they want a break from their kids. That because we gave birth, we gave up the right to maintain our sanity. Well, whoever told them that is wrong... I know different generations have different outlooks on the matter. I was told that I wasn't supposed to anything really but take care of my kids. No fun, no friends, just take care of my kids. My ex dumped me after our son was born, and I was told that I was not allowed to be upset. I had to stop crying, and take care of my son. I was a first-time mom. I didn't know, and I think that was exploited. I ended up going into a major depression that I could not get out of. Long story short, I decided that I needed to do what worked for me, and not listen to someone else.

So right now, I need a break.. My fiancee took the kids to the pool, so I have some absolutely blissful peace right now.. I get to sit down, blog, and watch Barefoot Contessa. I will join them later, but I needed to breathe, and get my head together. I love my kids, I really do. It's just sometimes, I need a breather.. LOL

Saturday Morning

It's Saturday Morning... Kids are on the couch next to me, talking about Spongebob.. I won't let them turn the TV on, as I really don't feel like listening to mind-numbing cartoons.. Life is not going great, but it could be worse right now..

I finally got to finish reading "The Lady in the Tower" by Alison Weir. Wow.. I honestly had a hard time reading it, as it focuses on her fall. I know that she was wrongly executed, and that makes me sad... I hope she found Elizabeth and they are having a shopping spree at the Chanel Boutique.. :)

Also read "The Euminides" by Aeschylus. (For my History of Ancient Greece class). Gotta say, it was a good drama. Now I have to write a paper on why this play shows how great a poleis Athens was. This should be fun.. School is almost over, but then I go right back in two weeks. but I'm taking online classes for the summer, just because I would rather do things at my own speed. I'm two classes away from getting my desktop publishing cert, but I can't finish it until the fall.. UGH

Now it's time to go into mom mode.. And can someone please bring me a martini??? I really need one..

O Death, rock me asleep: Anne Boleyn, 19th May 1536

RIP Queen Anne Boleyn.. May you give Henry VIII hell for what happened to you.

No subject in particular

I hope I didn't totally bomb my history test. My kids were driving me crazy, and I could barely study. By the time I could study, I was freakin exhausted. I'm still exhausted....