Some Things You Never Expect...

I have been so busy I haven't had time for much. My mother recently passed away after a long bout with her various illnesses. Her funeral was last Saturday. Nothing you say, nothing you do will ever prepare you for the loss of a parent. My mother suffered from several strokes, diabetes, end-stage renal disease, and ischemic colitis. My family took care of her as she was no longer able to care for herself. Some may ask why we did not have her in a facility. She was in a facility, but she exhausted her days. My fiancee and I are not medical professionals, so we got a crash course in certain areas. My mother did not want this for my family, but we had to take care of her. There was no way she would be able to do it on her own anymore. My mother was a very independent woman who until she was unable to speak was as stubborn as ever. 

Watching your parent waste away from an illness is not something anyone can prepare you for. I watched my mother improve until she broke her hip. After that, everything went down like a waterfall. Between the hospital visits, the nursing home visits, she did not improve. When they sent her home, I was only given 24 hours to prepare. My mom kept crying and telling me that she didn't feel well. She went back and forth to the hospital because she was constantly sick. The nursing service that came out at first was great. The doctors kept sending her home, telling me she was stable. However she was not. I finally had to stop being polite and tell them to find out what was wrong with her. I told them that she could not come home until they did more tests to figure out why she was constantly so sick. They finally told us what was wrong, (ischemic colitis) and that it was too far gone for them to do anything about it. They recommended that she be put on hospice, and I took care of that the next day. She went back and forth about several things, like going back to a facility or staying home. She decided that she would stay here. The hospice was great. They were available at all hours of the day and night, and would answer any questions we had. If we needed them to come out, they did as soon as they could. 

My mother had to stop dialysis treatments because they were no longer benefiting her.  I tried to find answers as to how long it would be before her kidneys shut down. There is no definite answer; it depends on how strong the person was. My mother wasn't as strong as she was. Her pain levels had increased, and she was put on constant pain medication. Slowly she began to lose touch with reality, she lost her sight, her speech, and her ability to absorb nutrition. I began mentally shutting down, as I could not handle watching my mother like this any longer. I would go talk to her, but I will never truly know if she heard me or not. When they told us to stop using the feeding tube, I did not realize that it would be that fast. I knew you could only last so long before you would pass, but she passed the next day. 

My son had an assembly at school, which I promised him I wouldn't miss. I went, took pictures, and came home. I brought my fiancee and I breakfast, and we sat and talked in the living room. He had checked on her before I left, and I was only gone for about an hour. I went in her room to tell her about my son's award. As soon as I walked in, I realized something wasn't right. I watched her chest, but there was no movement. I grabbed her hand, and there was no reaction.  I put my head on her chest and I felt NOTHING. No breathing, no heartbeat. I immediately went to look for my fiancee, and screamed for him to come back in the house. He ran back and confirmed that she had passed. 

I went into reaction mode. I could not think about anything except making the proper phone calls. I called the hospice to have them come out, and I called my sister. My fiancee went across the street to tell our neighbors, whom I have known since I was 6 years old. They came and sat with me until everyone started arriving. I could not go back in there, no matter how much I tried. The RN from hospice arrived, my sister arrived shortly after. The RN gave the time of death and made the proper phone calls. Everything felt surreal. I was walking around, speaking to people, answering questions, but nothing felt the same. I knew she was no longer suffering. I knew that the universe has a better place for her where she will no longer feel any pain.

Why am I telling you this? I am a far better writer than an orator. I needed to get this out so I can try and move on. My mother and I were two very different people. Throughout my life, I tried to make her proud of me. I was her creative child, she would tell me. When I was younger, I always thought it was a bad thing. She never understood they way I did things, and I never understood why she would get so upset about them. We had many falling outs through the years, but she was always there when I needed her. When her health was failing, I would take care of her. She would insist that she would do it herself, but I would have to remind her that she could not. Did she like it? No. As we both grew older, I think we had some semblance of understanding of each other. My therapist reminded me that my mother was set in her ways, and nothing I could do could change that. I knew she was right, but I didn't want to admit that. We both stopped trying to change each other and accepted who we were as people. 

I know my mother would want me to be happy. I am quite sure she is happy where she is. I would like to think that she is on some cosmic beach, with her nails and feet done (she religious about getting her hands and feet done), with a bucket of KFC (she kept asking for it), with a order of garlic cheese bread (she wanted that too), with a large diet coke (it was her favorite). 

My life is never going to be the same, but I know things will slowly get back to normal. The void that my mother left will never truly be filled, but I know that I have the love and support of my friends and family. Eventually I will stop crying. Eventually I will start to feel somewhat like myself again. She drove me to the brink of insanity at times, but she was my mom. No matter what I thought, no matter what I said, that fact never changed. And it never will.  

A Brief Update...

Sorry for the lack of posts; life has been crazy. School started back up and I have to find a balance between the lives I have to keep an eye on and my own. School is my priority for myself. I want to be successful. I can't be that when I have to make sure everything else is done first. Perhaps I'm having one of those girl moments where I feel as if my life is not my own. There is compounding evidence to the fact, but there is not a lot of time right now to explain. *sigh*

I have plans to keep this blog up, as I have started writing again. What that is will be a secret until it is finished. Sorry, I want to keep one thing to myself right now.. :) I will be getting back into my jewelry making as well.

I hope everyone is well and I promise more in the future.. Until then, may the odds ever be in your favor...

(If you don't know where that is from, then you must be living under a rock.)

Adieu 2011

What can we say about 2011??

I suppose it could've been worse. It started out normal enough, ending in a dilemma no one could prepare for. Through all this, my family and friends were there for me even when I pushed them away. I am not one to ask for help; I will beat my head into a wall to fix the problem until it's fixed or there is nothing I can do. I have a support network that accepts my crazy and willful ways and for that I am grateful.

What did I learn?

Well I learned that my absolute hatred of math has been passed to my daughter, and to this day, I will never understand why I had to learn all that crap if I'm not going to ever use it.

I learned that despite what others may think about me, I know that in the eyes of my children, I am a superhero, playmate, chef, and world-renowned artist/photographer and I RULE THE WORLD! (well at least their world).

I learned that my personality may not always rub people the right way. I do the best I can to be diplomatic, but if you're an idiot, I will make you aware of it. The spread of stupidity must be stopped!!

I've also learned that no matter how much anyone tells me that I can only do so much, I will push myself to prove you wrong. I can't help it, it's my nature.

I learned through this recent crisis that you can forgive, but you also don't forget. You do what you have to do for family, but that doesn't mean the past didn't happen. We can move forward, but you have to remember the past or you will be doomed to repeat it.

I also learned that 18 hours in a truck with two kids is the ultimate test of patience and sanity. (Although once we were back in our normal setting, both patience and sanity gave me the finger and left.)

The main lesson I've learned is that no matter how hard I try, I will never be as perfect as I think I should be. The years of that ideal being driven in my head have only driven me to near breakdowns. Will I still try and be little miss perfect? Of course; I'm a woman. With magazines, television, and even the internet spewing ideals of womanly perfection, it's hard to ignore those. (But if the standards are the Kardashians, we're all in a world of hurt). I am who I am. I am stubborn, bitchy, emotional, selfish, and even downright heartless if I need to be. But I am also loving, caring, intelligent, artistic. Marilyn Monroe said it best:

Made by myself (I was bored)

Now, let's strive for a good 2012, shall we?

The Awesomeness That Is My Son

Dylan - Welsh in origin; God of the Seas. Born of the Goddess Arianrhod, he was forsaken by her, but accepted by his Uncle Math. As he was baptized, he immediately took to the water. Turning into a sea creature, he swam as well as any fish. They then called him Dylan, Son of the Wave.  - via Wikipedia

If you know my son, I named him properly. Anything that has to do with water brings him out of his shell. Last night it was pouring rain here, and was happier than a tornado in a trailer park. (Yes, Cars reference. I have children.) He would run back and forth from the living room to his bedroom to watch the rain fall from the sky. Taking a bath has never been a fight. He would stay in there all day if I let him. Swimming? You have to drag him out of the pool. He has never shown any fear of the water since he was born. The only time he showed fear was when we took him to the beach for the first time. My fiancee took him to the water and we let him stay there until he was tired. He eventually came back up to us when we had to leave.

Why is my son awesome? Other than his love of everything that is water, he's autistic. You may ask why I would say that, and here's why. He has managed to overcome so many things in his short life so far. People told me that he may never speak. Well now he does. It's not a normal conversation, but I can talk to him and he responds most of the time. Is it ideal? No. However it's better than nothing. Taking him out in public used to be a nightmare. It was usually a roll of the dice whether he would behave or not. Now it's fine. Potty training? That was awful, I will not lie about it. My fiancee stepped in and helped, and now he's potty trained. He's still a picky eater (that's my fault. Genetics). He still prefers to keep to himself sometimes, but that's ok. Sometimes I want to keep to myself. He plays with his sister, and they have a close relationship. It's more of a "I love to hate you," but that's typical for siblings. (Unless you know about the relationship I have with my sister. Not something to base any type of relationship on. We agree to disagree on a nuclear level).

I have been thinking about this lately, as his birthday is coming up. I never imagined him reaching the ripe age of 9, let alone him surpassing everyone's expectations of him. I know he could rule the world if he really wanted to, but I think he would rather play Spider-man and watch Transformers all day. (At least for the moment). Some people have doubted his abilities and my own in raising him, to which I politely say this: Go 'eff yourself. I have been called the most awful names in the past. I have been told that I was just a bad parent and that's why he is the way he is. I have been told that I am too self-absorbed to do what I needed to do for my son. There are quite a few more, but let's try and keep the mood positive shall we?

Dylan is awesome despite what society may think about his ways of going about. He is a bright child who is affectionate, caring, and has an enormous love of pasta. I wouldn't change him for the world.

October 2011

Joyeux Anniversaire Marie Antoinette

Kristen Dundst as Marie Antoinette

On this day in 1755, Marie Antoinette was born in Austria. History has written her as "Madame Deficit", or accusing her of telling her French subjects to "eat cake" when the cost of flour skyrocketed and there was no bread for them to eat. (Just a side note, she never said that.) Despite her penchant for spending money, she was actually a gentle soul who certainly did not deserve the death she went to at the machinations of the guillotine. 

Her marriage to Louis Auguste wasn't the happiest of marriages; they did not consummate the marriage for seven years. Not that she didn't try, but he never tried to. Her mother was insisting on her trying harder to "inspire" her husband, but it was to no avail. People were blaming her, as she was the foreigner in their country. They would never believe that it was due to Louis' insecurities. Yes, we all know she had an affair with Count Axel Fersen of Sweden, but honestly can you blame her? Her husband was more interested in his locks and such while she was a beautiful young woman who wanted the attention of her husband. I don't blame her in seeking comfort elsewhere.

Marie Antoinette's casual portrait. Her subjects believed this was too informal for their Queen.

When the country was starting to dive into revolution, they believed it was her fault. They didn't realize that most of their money was going to help us Americans gain our independence from England. (Sorry King George, but we really didn't want you telling us what to do considering you kicked most of our ancestors out for their religious beliefs.) Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their help, whatever it was. (I don't remember reading anything about the French helping us in the war until I started to read about Marie.) The French people believed she was out buying clothes, diamonds (google the Diamond Necklace Affair), among many other things. Perhaps she came off as a snob to those who did not know her, but we have to remember that she was an Archduchess in Austria, and in France she was a dauphine and a Queen. She grew up with airs and graces as fitting to her station. Those who knew her and loved her did not see that side of her. 

Diamond Necklace originally made for Madame Du Barry, the mistress of Louis XIV. When she did not purchase it, Marie Antoinette was accused of buying it even though she did not.

We can speculate all we want about the changes she could've made to save her life, but I believe the revolutionaries would've found any reason to kill her. They saw her in her vast palace of Versailles, wearing diamonds, expensive clothes, and eating food when they were starving and dying in the streets. She did not have the power of Elizabeth I or Victoria, nor did she have the political acumen to tell her husband to fix his country first before spending money they didn't have on a war just to piss England off. As powerful as her mother was, I don't think she taught Marie to properly rule a country, especially as a foreigner. They assumed she would just try and push Austria's interests, which her mother did try and get her to do. Luckily her mother passed before her daughter's demise, along with her brother that co-ruled with his mother. 

Marie tried to get help from her family in Austria, which was one of the main charges laid against her. Her ancestor Mary Queen of Scots tried the same thing, (although it was to all the Catholic supporters abroad) when she was imprisoned, but she was also plotting to get rid of Elizabeth I and claim England for herself. Perhaps it wasn't the brightest idea, but we have to remember that they were trying to save themselves (Marie was trying to protect her children as well). I understand the treasonous accusations, however if they did not charge her with seeking foreign assistance, I'm sure other charges would be brought up to execute her. It has been said that she was extremely ill at the time of her execution, uterine or ovarian cancer was believed to be the cause. I'm sure she felt that it was a faster way to die rather than have her body betray her for who knows how long before it finally gave out. 

In happier times with her two of her three children.

Marie joins the ranks of women who were executed in history that we now feel compassion for. (Ok most of us do, there are some out there I'm sure who believe she deserved what she got. I am not one of those.) Anne Boleyn, Catherine Howard, Lady Jane Grey, Mary Queen of Scots, just to name a few that history accused of behaving badly. Marie is in the ranks of those women who now fascinate us and that we try to redeem in the eyes of modern history. I would like to think that if her mother had any foresight, she may not have sent her daughter to the country that would end up executing her. Had she been able to just live at Petite Trianon in obscurity with her children and her little farm, I think she would've been happy.
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If you want to learn more, I suggest reading Antonia Fraser's Marie Antoinette - The Journey. There is quite a lot of detail on her life, along with photographs of her belongings that were not stolen by the peasants during their raid of Versailles. Another good book I would recommend is Sex With Queens by Eleanor Herman. Along with Marie Antoinette, she discusses the affairs Queens have had throughout the centuries.

Jane Austen, Oh How I Adore Thee... (Except For Northanger Abbey)

I've been on a Jane Austen kick lately. I've read most of her works, (Northanger Abbey is one I just cannot get into) and watching versions of her novels in movies. I have two versions of Pride and Prejudice. (Oh Matthew MacFayeden)

How could you say no to him?

*Sigh*

I love her style of writing, along with the witty conversation that goes into the story. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy are my all time favorite literary couple, with the former being my favorite heroine. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and does not follow the standards of women for that time period. Anyone who has read Pride and Prejudice knows that the scene where Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy have their confrontation regarding his marriage proposal to her can feel the tension between the two. "Did you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?", he tells her angrily. After a few words, she responds with the classic retort, "You are mistaken Mr. Darcy. The mode of your declaration merely spared me the concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner." As a society, we do not speak like that anymore; we would probably tell the other to go f*ck themselves and have a nice day. I love the way you can tell someone to basically go eff themselves without actually saying it. Don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit that I have no problem telling others to f*ck themselves if need be. However it is more fun to do it Jane's way and confuse them even more.

I don't know why I can't read Northanger Abbey. I have tried for years and years, but I can never get into it. I know it was published after her death, and in parts it seems rushed and unfinished. Persuasion, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Pride and Prejudice all have a certain polish to them. (Oh and Mansfield Park has it too.) Catherine Morland does not have the quickness of Elizabeth Bennett, nor does she have the sense of Anne Elliot. I know it is believed that she wrote this satirical gothic-esque romance because those were coming into prominence when she wrote it. Perhaps it's not my place to understand why she wrote it, and maybe one day I'll be able to sit down and read it.

Jane right now is keeping me somewhat sane. It's giving me the escape I need from my hectic life that I desperately need. However, I am sensing a desire to return to A Song of Ice and Fire series. (Those who do not know, it is the series that Game of Thrones on HBO is based off of. YOU SHOULD READ IT.) George R.R. Martin has written a fantastic series that rivals Tolkien in my heart. However, George is a tad more violent, and his characters have to deal with things that we would never dream of. (The "Red Wedding" is one that still haunts me when I hear it mentioned.) I can't stop reading it though.


Thank you Jane for keeping me from losing my mind. And to ASOIAF, thanks for giving me a place to imagine what I could do to stupid people if I lived in Westeros.

Just keep swimming...

I keep telling myself this lately.. "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming..." Some days it helps get me through. Other days I feel like a great white wants to take me to a "Fish Are Friends Not Food" meeting and then chase me through old WWII subs that have sank. (Yes this is a Finding Nemo reference.) I have never felt so down as I have lately.

I started working out with my best friend Michele, and it helps with my morale. I hate sweating, but I want to look better for myself. I feel like I'm an outsider, watching everyone's lives go by. We bought a car, but it's not running right and we don't have the money for the part we need. I don't like asking for help, I really don't. I don't want people to think I'm weak and incapable of handling my life and the problems that come up. This month has been hard and honestly I'm not dealing well with it. I asked for help in the past when I was single and all I got was crap for it. I was raising my kids on my own without any help from their "father" and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I made mistakes, I know that. I learned from them and have done my hardest to not repeat them. It just feels like the harder I try to stay above water, the faster I sink. I don't know how long I can hide this from my kids, or from anyone else for that matter. I'm too stubborn to let myself completely fail, but right now I want to throw my hands up and surrender.

I just want to be happy and not worry about things like food, or money to buy my kids' shoes if they need them. I also just want to have a car that doesn't give me problems or is a magnet for idiots on the road. (I swear, there must be some sort of sign on me that says "hit me".) I see other people live their lives with no worries and I can't help but ask what they are doing that I'm not? I had a job, however it drove me to have several nervous breakdowns and I had to leave. I have to be around for my kids so they have someone to pick them up and take them to school. My son doesn't do well in day care because of his autism and most places won't take him because of it. My daughter needs extra attention at home because of her school work (which is another story). I feel like I can't catch a break and that's really all I want.

I know there are some out there that say God is looking out for me, blah blah blah...
A) I don't believe that, so please stop telling me that.

With all the crap going on in the world, I don't think "God" is looking out for anyone right now. Bankers on Wall St. have screwed us I don't know how many times, and they still get their ungodly bonuses for doing nothing. I am completely hireable and can do many things but I've been told that I'm overqualified and they can't hire me. I did not realize being intelligent would hinder my getting a job.

Yes I'm angry, hurt, and frustrated. I am allowed to be.

Light and Dark - Photshopped by myself; stock used from deviantart.com