Jane Austen, Oh How I Adore Thee... (Except For Northanger Abbey)

I've been on a Jane Austen kick lately. I've read most of her works, (Northanger Abbey is one I just cannot get into) and watching versions of her novels in movies. I have two versions of Pride and Prejudice. (Oh Matthew MacFayeden)

How could you say no to him?

*Sigh*

I love her style of writing, along with the witty conversation that goes into the story. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy are my all time favorite literary couple, with the former being my favorite heroine. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and does not follow the standards of women for that time period. Anyone who has read Pride and Prejudice knows that the scene where Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy have their confrontation regarding his marriage proposal to her can feel the tension between the two. "Did you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?", he tells her angrily. After a few words, she responds with the classic retort, "You are mistaken Mr. Darcy. The mode of your declaration merely spared me the concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner." As a society, we do not speak like that anymore; we would probably tell the other to go f*ck themselves and have a nice day. I love the way you can tell someone to basically go eff themselves without actually saying it. Don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit that I have no problem telling others to f*ck themselves if need be. However it is more fun to do it Jane's way and confuse them even more.

I don't know why I can't read Northanger Abbey. I have tried for years and years, but I can never get into it. I know it was published after her death, and in parts it seems rushed and unfinished. Persuasion, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Pride and Prejudice all have a certain polish to them. (Oh and Mansfield Park has it too.) Catherine Morland does not have the quickness of Elizabeth Bennett, nor does she have the sense of Anne Elliot. I know it is believed that she wrote this satirical gothic-esque romance because those were coming into prominence when she wrote it. Perhaps it's not my place to understand why she wrote it, and maybe one day I'll be able to sit down and read it.

Jane right now is keeping me somewhat sane. It's giving me the escape I need from my hectic life that I desperately need. However, I am sensing a desire to return to A Song of Ice and Fire series. (Those who do not know, it is the series that Game of Thrones on HBO is based off of. YOU SHOULD READ IT.) George R.R. Martin has written a fantastic series that rivals Tolkien in my heart. However, George is a tad more violent, and his characters have to deal with things that we would never dream of. (The "Red Wedding" is one that still haunts me when I hear it mentioned.) I can't stop reading it though.


Thank you Jane for keeping me from losing my mind. And to ASOIAF, thanks for giving me a place to imagine what I could do to stupid people if I lived in Westeros.

Just keep swimming...

I keep telling myself this lately.. "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming..." Some days it helps get me through. Other days I feel like a great white wants to take me to a "Fish Are Friends Not Food" meeting and then chase me through old WWII subs that have sank. (Yes this is a Finding Nemo reference.) I have never felt so down as I have lately.

I started working out with my best friend Michele, and it helps with my morale. I hate sweating, but I want to look better for myself. I feel like I'm an outsider, watching everyone's lives go by. We bought a car, but it's not running right and we don't have the money for the part we need. I don't like asking for help, I really don't. I don't want people to think I'm weak and incapable of handling my life and the problems that come up. This month has been hard and honestly I'm not dealing well with it. I asked for help in the past when I was single and all I got was crap for it. I was raising my kids on my own without any help from their "father" and no matter what I did, it was never enough. I made mistakes, I know that. I learned from them and have done my hardest to not repeat them. It just feels like the harder I try to stay above water, the faster I sink. I don't know how long I can hide this from my kids, or from anyone else for that matter. I'm too stubborn to let myself completely fail, but right now I want to throw my hands up and surrender.

I just want to be happy and not worry about things like food, or money to buy my kids' shoes if they need them. I also just want to have a car that doesn't give me problems or is a magnet for idiots on the road. (I swear, there must be some sort of sign on me that says "hit me".) I see other people live their lives with no worries and I can't help but ask what they are doing that I'm not? I had a job, however it drove me to have several nervous breakdowns and I had to leave. I have to be around for my kids so they have someone to pick them up and take them to school. My son doesn't do well in day care because of his autism and most places won't take him because of it. My daughter needs extra attention at home because of her school work (which is another story). I feel like I can't catch a break and that's really all I want.

I know there are some out there that say God is looking out for me, blah blah blah...
A) I don't believe that, so please stop telling me that.

With all the crap going on in the world, I don't think "God" is looking out for anyone right now. Bankers on Wall St. have screwed us I don't know how many times, and they still get their ungodly bonuses for doing nothing. I am completely hireable and can do many things but I've been told that I'm overqualified and they can't hire me. I did not realize being intelligent would hinder my getting a job.

Yes I'm angry, hurt, and frustrated. I am allowed to be.

Light and Dark - Photshopped by myself; stock used from deviantart.com

Math - The One Subject That Will Have Me Revert to An Angry Child.

Math is the bane of my existence. It is the ultimate annoyance that comes with my education requirements. I know there are those out there who love math, and I applaud you. The fact that you enjoy solving for "x" or whatever shows to me that you either have a lot of time on your hands, or your curiosity gene is stronger than mine.

My math book cover...

I am currently taking algebra in college, which is the most hated subject in my ed plan. I am an art major. I want to focus on honing my drawing skills and learn how to properly shade my subjects. I could give a rat's ass about the perimeter of a freakin' rectangle. Math has never been my strongest subject. Mind you, simple calculations I can do in my head without thinking. I will never understand why I have to show every single step in a simple calculation if I know the answer is right. I get that the instructor wants to know that I can do it. However the irritation factor makes me want to throw my book.

This is what I look like when I'm finished...

To many of you, you will most likely think I'm whining and that I should just shut up and get it done. And to a point I understand. I should just follow the rules that are given and do the work without question. However if you know me, I question EVERYTHING. I don't just sit back and take what everyone says at face value. Most of the time I have to ask why when it comes to math. How is this going to relate to my life? When am I going to use this? 3(x-4)+(x-5) is not something I use to balance my checkbook.

I only keep count of those I killed, and I know who they are. X means nothing..

Last night, my fiancee was helping me with my homework. It was one of those ridiculous word problems that my brain just will not comprehend. I actually got so frustrated because he was trying to explain it to me and it still sounded like an alien talking to me. I shoved my binder off the table (yeah I know, dramatic...) and sat there with my head in my hands. I know I'm intelligent. I have a fair grasp on most subjects, but math is the one that makes me feel like I'm the stupidest person in the world and I should live amongst animals. (If you know me, yeah that won't happen.) I hate being made to feel like an idiot. With all these crazy rules and formulas I simply stop and want to just forget about it.

During my tantrum last night, (let's face it; that's what it was), I started to realize that I was acting like my six year old daughter. You mention the subject of math, or homework in general, and she reverts to the three year old drama queen she hasn't totally let go of. I never do homework when she's up; I wait for her to go to bed. (Less interruptions). She is creative like me, and apparently she inherited my insane distaste for math. I feel like a hypocrite forcing her to do homework when I frankly can't stand it. "Do as I say, not as I do," doesn't sit well with me. But I have no choice. We both have to do our homework whether we like it or not.

"Now do your homework or the Jabberwocky will get you!"

**Photos used for enhancement purposes only. Photos courtesy of God of War, Annie Lebowitz, and Disney's Alice in Wonderland**

Balancing Life

Well.. My car was considered a total loss, and they paid off most of my loan. I'm not upside down much, so I will be able to get a car once we gather enough funds to do what we need to do. I was heartbroken, but there was nothing they could really do. (The rear axle was destroyed and it wasn't worth them fixing they said.)

We took our first real family vacation last month to Colorado. My fiancee's sister was getting married at their grandparents house. Let's say it was an interesting experience. Riding in a car for 18 hours with two children is an experience. Especially when one keeps saying their hungry. (We had snacks and drinks. And she wouldn't shut up. Like seriously, she would talk for HOURS at a time.) The wedding was nice, other than an incident with a family member that I'll refrain from bringing up.

I took a bunch of photos, which are posted on my facebook page. (if you aren't friends with me, then you can't see them. I'll post some here soon.) I've also started making jewelry. I'm tired of not finding anything I like, so I decided to make my own. I made some for David's grandmother, sister and his mom for the wedding. I don't know if I will sell them just yet; I want to get more practice in.


Anyway, life goes on. I am still haunted by my car accident, but I'm moving forward and hopefully things will be better. I start school again on the 29th, but I will be doing only online classes. Until we can get another car, things are going to be hectic. I can be here at home doing my work and if the kids need me, it won't be a hassle. Let's see what the fates have in store for me now...

Angel of Grief by p4trycha-d3cy32p

via deviantart.com

Fear

Yesterday, I was going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows PT2 with a friend of mine. As I was driving, another car was trying to get over into my lane, and I tried to avoid it. In avoiding this other car, I lost control of my car and went over 4 lanes of the freeway and hit a chain link fence. Thankfully my car was a Ford, and there was no damage really to me. I'm sore from the jarring stop, but no cuts or anything like that. CHP said it was not my fault, as there were witnesses to tell him what happened. I managed to avoid a semi and a tree. According to the CHP officer, had I hit either of those, I'd be dead....

Needless to say, I hope my car is repairable. I have to magically come up with 1000 dollars for my deductible, which is freaking me out. I'm lucky to be here, I know this. Realizing your mortality is a scary experience. You never expect that it would happen to you; you only hear about it in the news from people who have experienced it. The realization that I was thisclose to not coming home to my kids is eating at me. I have always made sure I came home to my family. ALWAYS... and now because some idiot who obviously should not be driving, there was a chance my kids would never see me again.

A friend that I have not seen in a few years (ok like over a decade) came to my rescue with her husband. We still went and saw the movie and had lunch. During the movie, (spoiler alert, although if you've read the book you will know what I'm talking about), they show the scene where Lily Potter is saying goodbye to Harry, just before Lord Voldemort comes to kill her. She tells him that she loves him soo much and that she will always be with him. I cried like a baby at that part, I will not lie. Had I hit either the tree or the semi, I wouldn't have had a chance to see my kids again. No one can explain how that feels; you have to experience it for yourself. I kept it together while I was out, I think the shock was still in effect. However, after she dropped me off, I LOST IT. I walked into my house and started to cry, and could not stop. Dave managed to calm me down, but it still comes back to me. Everyone can tell me that it will be fine, and that I will get past this. Yes, things will be fine, and one day I will be able to get over the feeling that I could've been living as a ghost beside my children, rather than actually living with them. But it's still there right now. I'm not sure how I will get past this, I really don't know.

I'm not a religious person, but I know that I'm here for a reason. What that is, I don't know. I would like to think that it was for my children and my fiancee. Please just bear with me right now; the demons that I have had a stalemate with have decided to bite and I have to fight them off. People can tell me that God protected me from serious damage, but obviously he didn't have enough foresight to keep that other car away from me. You can tell me that it was Satan or the Devil, and honestly I will probably laugh. It was not Satan, it was an idiot who didn't care that I was in the lane next to them. People make their own choices, no one decides for them what they will do.

If you're angry about what I wrote above, then I do apologize. I have no wish to offend anyone, those are my opinions on the subject. I believe everyone makes their choices, rather than a higher power deciding for you.

Picture by Carlos Cabrera

Photography From Last Semester

I took a photography class over the fall semester, which was interesting. I bought a new camera, which I LOVE! Here are some of my shots...

Here are some black and whites I did...

Photography is a hobby, along with digital manipulation of photos. I also took a drawing class, but sadly I do not have any digital copies of my work.

Now I should be doing my homework, but I would rather avoid it. LOL So I'm watching South Park. :)



Merry Christmas and New Beginnings

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

With the coming new year, let's all try to focus on the positive. This may sound strange from me, as sarcasm and cynicism run through my veins. I'm going to try it. Perhaps it will work, one can hope. I wish everyone well, and hope that the coming year brings you love and happiness..

**currently enjoying the bomb ass TV my family received for christmas... Now we can properly watch movies and play God of War.. (and COD:Black Ops)